UGH, i want to die i'm so stupid. why can't i just die.

no one believes that i am lonely.

and i haven't been able to draw at all recently! everything looks creepy and off somehow. i'm afraid the only way i can draw now is if i have a reference and i don't want it to be like that! i want to be able to draw on my own, too. i have nothing to do and i just want to cry but that would be unproductive, i guess.

i'm too embarrassed to tell anyone on tumblr or facebook but i'm just really sad all the time. it doesn't seem like it, so when i tell people as much they write it off as me joking around. but i was on the verge of tears all day for no reason and it was really stupid. i can't talk to people about it because it'll bother them or they won't believe me because i don't have anything to complain about. i just want friends, i want people to talk to or just give me company. i feel really alone. i know that's a very characteristic thing for a teenager to say, but that is how it is.

see, this took me quite a while but someone was like "it looks like she's going to give lemonsnout a lap dance" and i was like no, it's just like a couch that looks like lemonsnout and she's sitting on him because justice always prevails and whatnot and plus she killed him. so please stop.
and then i was looking closer at it and her face is weird. i want to cry.

i suck at art!!!! every time i draw something and it takes me a really long time not very many people like it and i'm confused because i put so much effort into it but it never turns into something people like. i'm beginning to think it's useless and i should just stop but if i did i would probably be really sad. i don't know.
and then sometimes people make fun of my drawings?? i'm really self-conscious about drawing in front of other people so maybe i should stop doing livestreams and join.mes too.

please keep parker allred in your prayers.

one of my classmates might die tomorrow. i only found out this afternoon during history class, and i didn't even really know who he was then. i realized tonight that i've seen his face around and he looks like a really nice kid. finding out his life is in severe danger was overwhelming, to say the least. i can't fathom what it would be like if bro's life was on the line without any prior signs of illness, because this situation has already made me cry and i don't even know him personally. this boy's family is sweet. they are so sweet and loving and deserve to keep their son and brother. he doesn't deserve to die yet. he needs to live a long life and play sports and be with his friends, i know he does, and i've never even spoken to him. please, please pray for him, i can't imagine the impact it will have on his family if he dies. this is sad and i can't handle it.

here is his sister's blog: http://sweetblueeyedboy.blogspot.com/

it's so terrible and i can't even do anything

i keep failing everyone and myself

i'm not worth anything if i'm not drawing. i have to produce good things. produce produce produce. it kind of feels good to be a factory.

here's the finished thing!!
i wish it could have been better. sobs.

i'm trying to paint a landscape. this was never my thing and i'm afraid it never will be.

anyway, i'm sleeping in the living room because the couch is comfy. there are two of them, actually, and you can fold them into bed things! it would be really cool to just have them face each other so you had the back of a couch on either side of you like a fort. and you could drape a blanket over the top and make it like a REAL FORT!!!!! but for now i just have it so they're lined up like soldiers and one has the back down so it's like a regular bed with a bedpost. 

i'm kind of scared of the windows because i think there are monsters and murderers and ghosts out there. i wish willow still liked to sleep next to me so i wouldn't be so afraid.

this house creaks a lot.

this week is going to be hard for a silly reason. the student teacher in my english class is trying to psychologically immerse us in fahrenheit 451 and i don't know if i am mentally capable of handling the assignment. he's asked us to forgo some form of technology for a week and my proposal was that i stay off tumblr and facebook because i couldn't think of anything else i invest so much time in. i don't even use the toaster that much and i eat like 100 metric tons of poptarts a day. but i figured it'd be easiest to write about those websites--tumblr, especially--because i basically live there.

it's only been a day and i've been wanting to check tumblr since i woke up this morning. to distract myself i played skyrim for a few hours and then drew for the rest of the afternoon and evening--so i still spent the whole day using electronics, but not those two websites. i guess i got some art done, but i was still cemented to a desk chair with my eyes locked on the monitor the whole time.

and the only reason i was so determined to get the art done is because i am allowing myself to still post drawings on tumblr, but i can't like, use it. i can only post drawings and then leave. and yet i still feel strangely, remarkably comforted by that nondescript blue background, if only for the two minutes i can see it every time i finish a drawing.

i'm so hilariously pathetic.

ethan tried to teach me how to do a sideflip today and i'm awful at it.

today i started a new semester but nothing really changed at school as far as classes go. they're all still in the same order--the only difference is ceramics 1 is now ceramics 2. i'm kind of scared of ceramics, actually, because i feel like i'm wasting perfectly good clay on my awful projects, not to mention the glazes. i got my homestuck-themed mug out of the kiln today and the colors came out all wrong, but i'm still pretty happy i have it, i guess? it's kind of neat.

some kids are going to work on a mural up in the industrial wing and i signed up for a space on the wall. the layout/design is basically a bunch of boxes designated to students who sign up, like a permanent gallery. if everything goes according to plan, my "frame" will contain something homestuck, because i am completely unimaginative and i am kind of. obsessed with it.

i am going to look back at this in a few months or years and sigh a lot.