this year i finished my freshman year in high school.
i spent a summer on the internet and in the mountains, competing in HSO and hiking with my mom respectively. i met my seven friends on my team, and we started talking on skype. they are my only friends except for katy, ally, allie, and mom.
mom and i hiked timpanogos mountain in seven hours and i got to see the whole valley. i left my name and the date on a metal wall in sharpie marker. the hike down was more strenuous than the hike up.
ally left for boarding school after they put her on suicide watch.
i started my sophomore year in high school. i started hanging out with ethan and his friends at lunch. i watched them do parkour out on the lawn. i got better at art.
i visited ally at her school and she started visiting on certain weekends.
in october mom left my stepdad. i moved to my dad's house and i've been living here since. i miss her.
i started doing worse in school because i got lazy and wasted time staying up late drawing or using the internet.
i turned sixteen about a month ago.
...i am actually kind of concerned for my memory because i'm having a hard time remembering specific things from the year. my brain sets things up in an oversimplified, color-coded timeline and sometimes i get things out of chronological order.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
it's hard not to miss my mom. i wish all the time that she was here at my dad's house so i could walk over to her any time i needed and give her a hug. but if i want to "walk over to her" i either have to walk a few blocks down the street or all the way across town and it's really cold outside. i'm never sure if she's at my stepdad's or at her apartment, either.
i just...i wish i could do something cool, like bro. i wish i could just decide i was going to do something new and get good at it. but i'm terrified of doing new things and i've never been one of the kids who's had to wonder, "what is my niche?" because it's always been assumed--by myself and by everyone else--that i am going to draw. i'm not good for anything else. if you want to find me there's a 90% chance i'll be in the living room at the desktop computer with my tablet, drawing something stupid. the other 10% of the time i'm in the kitchen eating junk food or i'm going to the bathroom because i hardly sleep (at decent hours, at least). but if you want to find bro, he could be in any number of places! he does parkour--he might be at the park or off on a jungle adventure, taming the wilderness while doing cool flips. OR he's on his new skateboard, learning how to do tricks. wait, where is emma again? oh yeah, she's on her fat ass in the living room. as if we forgot. and it's not like bro ONLY does outdoor stuff--he like, draws. really well. and also makes neat animations and i've always wanted to try animating, but guess what! i'm too scared!
when i've asked mom to teach me to play piano, her expression has often become wary--when i was younger and she tried to teach me, i would get impatient and whine about how difficult it was. on a recent excursion to the DI i begged her to show me some things on an old piano, and i struggled to grasp what she was saying about the math aspects of music. but i want to play something. music is such an emotional thing and i want to make emotional things. but i just. don't. get it. it's kind of like how i can't keep track of the keys on my laptop, so i have to tilt the screen down in the dark to see my finger placement when i'm typing passwords. you might think i'm trying to hide what's on the monitor, but i'm actually using it as a flashlight.
sometimes when people see me draw they ask, "have you considered pursuing a career in art?" and i can't help but laugh and also get a little angry, because not only is that the only thing i've EVER thought about doing for the rest of my life, it's probably the only thing i CAN imagine doing. i want to have options but i'm not well-rounded at all. and i'm not even that good at art! like, i can use one or two mediums on a mediocre level, but if you asked me to paint or to make a sculpture or to animate, you can pretty much forget it. forget it like you forgot everything you learned in eighth grade US history besides eli whitney invented the cotton gin. you're not even sure what a cotton gin is.
i'm not even proficient at video games. man, i wish i was because that might actually help redeem myself as a person. like, okay, i can't play any instruments and i'm basically an elephant, but at least i can get a killing frenzy on halo. but the reality is i couldn't do that even if i put in hours of practice, and in all honesty that would be a huge waste of time.
as if i wasn't wasting my time already.
when i've asked mom to teach me to play piano, her expression has often become wary--when i was younger and she tried to teach me, i would get impatient and whine about how difficult it was. on a recent excursion to the DI i begged her to show me some things on an old piano, and i struggled to grasp what she was saying about the math aspects of music. but i want to play something. music is such an emotional thing and i want to make emotional things. but i just. don't. get it. it's kind of like how i can't keep track of the keys on my laptop, so i have to tilt the screen down in the dark to see my finger placement when i'm typing passwords. you might think i'm trying to hide what's on the monitor, but i'm actually using it as a flashlight.
sometimes when people see me draw they ask, "have you considered pursuing a career in art?" and i can't help but laugh and also get a little angry, because not only is that the only thing i've EVER thought about doing for the rest of my life, it's probably the only thing i CAN imagine doing. i want to have options but i'm not well-rounded at all. and i'm not even that good at art! like, i can use one or two mediums on a mediocre level, but if you asked me to paint or to make a sculpture or to animate, you can pretty much forget it. forget it like you forgot everything you learned in eighth grade US history besides eli whitney invented the cotton gin. you're not even sure what a cotton gin is.
i'm not even proficient at video games. man, i wish i was because that might actually help redeem myself as a person. like, okay, i can't play any instruments and i'm basically an elephant, but at least i can get a killing frenzy on halo. but the reality is i couldn't do that even if i put in hours of practice, and in all honesty that would be a huge waste of time.
as if i wasn't wasting my time already.
Friday, December 28, 2012
i don't need to have that many friends. it's ok. even if i'm not as close to the ones i DO have as i'd like to be, it's not like the kind of friendships i develop reflect on me as a person. i can be as reserved as i want to be. i don't need tight-knit groups like everyone else does.
on another note, i've spent the entire christmas break thus far holed up in my house drawing with my ancient (it's not that ancient) tablet and neglecting my homework. i'm going to fail every aspect of school. but at this point i kind of don't care! i just want to draw.
on another note, i've spent the entire christmas break thus far holed up in my house drawing with my ancient (it's not that ancient) tablet and neglecting my homework. i'm going to fail every aspect of school. but at this point i kind of don't care! i just want to draw.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
tumblr paste no. 2
[being myself is impossible anymore. tumblr culture has melted
itself so thoroughly into my brain i can’t distinguish my own
preferences from the section of my psyche that mutters to me incessantly
how stupid it would be for me to like something like that, or to speak
like that, or to make something like that.
people say they’re not putting things on pedestals and that they’re not trying to…i can’t remember the word. it means to make something look good, or desirable, or something you should be, even though it’s probably not.
but sometimes i look at roleplay blogs for my favorite characters and the muns (whatever that means) make their characters so
skinny
and pale
and sad.
and i want to be like that.
i’ve long since (haha, no, recently) realized that you can’t consciously decide to be anorexic. it’s something that just happens, like you start counting calories, and you lower the maximum you’re allowed to consume daily and then weekly until you are dead, and your hair falls out, apparently. so i can’t say “oh, i wish i was anorexic” because it’s not possible to just choose to become it; it’s a disorder or something.
but i still
really wish i was.
all health risks aside.
i don’t really want my hair to fall out. i don’t want to lose teeth, if that’s something that can happen too. i just want to be able to see my real tummy again, not the repugnant layers of fat on my lower stomach. i’m disgusting and i just can’t
stop
eating
and it’s awful and people say “you have got to eat healthier and actually exercise” but i just can’t.
so i stay ugly and fat and useless.]
people say they’re not putting things on pedestals and that they’re not trying to…i can’t remember the word. it means to make something look good, or desirable, or something you should be, even though it’s probably not.
but sometimes i look at roleplay blogs for my favorite characters and the muns (whatever that means) make their characters so
skinny
and pale
and sad.
and i want to be like that.
i’ve long since (haha, no, recently) realized that you can’t consciously decide to be anorexic. it’s something that just happens, like you start counting calories, and you lower the maximum you’re allowed to consume daily and then weekly until you are dead, and your hair falls out, apparently. so i can’t say “oh, i wish i was anorexic” because it’s not possible to just choose to become it; it’s a disorder or something.
but i still
really wish i was.
all health risks aside.
i don’t really want my hair to fall out. i don’t want to lose teeth, if that’s something that can happen too. i just want to be able to see my real tummy again, not the repugnant layers of fat on my lower stomach. i’m disgusting and i just can’t
stop
eating
and it’s awful and people say “you have got to eat healthier and actually exercise” but i just can’t.
so i stay ugly and fat and useless.]
tumblr paste no. 1
[i hope you can delete blogs!! ahahaha wow. this sure is a new blog that i made.
i don’t even know if i want to try and maintain more than two blogs. i mean, like, i have my main one, which has a bunch of really annoying reblogs no one cares about because HELLO, they saw those things like, two whole hours ago. and it has my art but that’s irrelevant because HEEEEELLOOOO, do you really have the audacity to call that art because all i can see here are a bunch of annoying things! because you are annoying! hehehe.
augh my forehead is bleeding. i really have to stop doing that.
oh, and also i have my blog that locks URLs. it is like my secret URL sanctuary that is basically useless but i keep it in case i decide to change my regular address to a more interesting one, which will probably be never unless i get too uncomfortable with my mom knowing about my tumblr. which i kind of already am, but i don’t want her to be suspicious of me. this website is suspicious enough as-is.
so like yeah!! i stopped right in the middle of an irl journal entry to start this thing because why not. actually, the why-nots are these:
why i SHOULD keep a secret blog!:
when you write or type things, do you sound like you are talking to someone else? it’s almost impossible to just talk to yourself, because talking to yourself is kind of like talking to another person. you address yourself with “you” and ask yourself questions, like i did just now. actually, keeping a journal for (45678910/1234567) seven years has led me to fabricate a sort of entity i’m speaking to when i write. i suppose you could just call this my “audience,” but that sounds like a very plural noun and the thing i’m talking to feels like one person. (but an audience CAN be one person, NUMBNUTS.) it’s been that way ever since i read part of the diary of anne frank and she wrote like she was sending letters to a friend she called kitty. i wanted to be like her so i called my first journal hamster in the fourth grade and pretended to talk to him. or, i DID talk to “him” but he doesn’t actually exist. i still call my journal hamster but i never write “dear hamster” at the beginning of my entries anymore because it seems stupid and childish.
i already regret making this stupid blog because i feel like i could have just written all that in my stupid tangible journal. (consistency!!)
for a long time i kept a thing on blogspot. that was really dumb. sometimes i go back and read the things i thought a few years ago and hate myself a little more.
i guess i just won’t tag this with anything?]
i don’t even know if i want to try and maintain more than two blogs. i mean, like, i have my main one, which has a bunch of really annoying reblogs no one cares about because HELLO, they saw those things like, two whole hours ago. and it has my art but that’s irrelevant because HEEEEELLOOOO, do you really have the audacity to call that art because all i can see here are a bunch of annoying things! because you are annoying! hehehe.
augh my forehead is bleeding. i really have to stop doing that.
oh, and also i have my blog that locks URLs. it is like my secret URL sanctuary that is basically useless but i keep it in case i decide to change my regular address to a more interesting one, which will probably be never unless i get too uncomfortable with my mom knowing about my tumblr. which i kind of already am, but i don’t want her to be suspicious of me. this website is suspicious enough as-is.
so like yeah!! i stopped right in the middle of an irl journal entry to start this thing because why not. actually, the why-nots are these:
- you are afraid of starting an exclusively personal blog because you might mix it up with your art/reblog one and post something embarrassing.
- you might try to delete this blog and accidentally lose all the content on your art/reblog one.
- someone might find your exclusively personal blog. (actually, you don’t really mind if someone does. as long as it is someone you don’t KNOW. because it doesn’t say who you are here, and if you DO find the need to use a name for yourself you can always conjure up a nifty pseudonym, you know! fake names are fun and exciting.)
- CONSISTENCY. CONSISTENCY. CONSISTENCY. it almost doesn’t make sense to make an online journal/blog/secrethavenofsecretsecrecy and it could interfere with your regular journal and then the internet will be destroyed and you. will. lose. EVERYTHING.
- the interference is a big thing so i’ll make it its own bulletpoint. bulletpoints are great.
- CONSISTENCYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
why i SHOULD keep a secret blog!:
- it’s fun!
- typing is faster than handwriting!
- pretty backgrounds and customization!
- someone might find it and that is kind of exciting because they won’t know who you are and will be like, “whoa! who is this super-chill loser!”
- who cares about consistency, that is basically a thing only you worry about.
- (consistency is really important you don’t understand.)
when you write or type things, do you sound like you are talking to someone else? it’s almost impossible to just talk to yourself, because talking to yourself is kind of like talking to another person. you address yourself with “you” and ask yourself questions, like i did just now. actually, keeping a journal for (45678910/1234567) seven years has led me to fabricate a sort of entity i’m speaking to when i write. i suppose you could just call this my “audience,” but that sounds like a very plural noun and the thing i’m talking to feels like one person. (but an audience CAN be one person, NUMBNUTS.) it’s been that way ever since i read part of the diary of anne frank and she wrote like she was sending letters to a friend she called kitty. i wanted to be like her so i called my first journal hamster in the fourth grade and pretended to talk to him. or, i DID talk to “him” but he doesn’t actually exist. i still call my journal hamster but i never write “dear hamster” at the beginning of my entries anymore because it seems stupid and childish.
i already regret making this stupid blog because i feel like i could have just written all that in my stupid tangible journal. (consistency!!)
for a long time i kept a thing on blogspot. that was really dumb. sometimes i go back and read the things i thought a few years ago and hate myself a little more.
i guess i just won’t tag this with anything?]
i'm kind of afraid to look at my old blog. it has made me cringe whenever i've dared to delve into the darkened depths (heh, alliteration) of my prepubescent psyche and read the irrelevant garbage i thought was important at the time. in fact, i don't know if i really want to start another blog because i'm not sure how i feel about being in so many places. over the years i have accumulated several real, tangible journals and a number of online profiles, many of which have been abandoned or neglected. actually, i have two tumblrs i maintain; one for senseless reblogging and sharing my art, and another for screaming into the void that is the internet when you don't tag anything. i figure i'll delete that second one as soon as i get this thing going, and hopefully not many people will see it.
but here's the thing: i have a weird obsession sort of deal with consistency, and by that i mean keeping my thoughts in one place. i don't even know if consistency is the right word here. but basically what i am trying to say is that as much as i want to start a blog again, like a real one where i can say what i want and don't have to appease a couple hundred followers by plastering fanart and fandom-related nonsense all over their dashboards, i'm scared of leaving my real-life journal to decay in a corner or a dresser drawer while i relate all of my personal dealings on this page. so while i will be posting my thoughts here, i will also try to keep it businesslike so i know what goes in my journal, what goes on my personal blog, and what goes on my tumblr.
i hope this works.
(i hope i don't look at this in a couple minutes and regret it.)
so maybe i'll copy what i've already put on my second tumblr and paste it here for the sake of adding more content and also not erasing my thought processes.
but here's the thing: i have a weird obsession sort of deal with consistency, and by that i mean keeping my thoughts in one place. i don't even know if consistency is the right word here. but basically what i am trying to say is that as much as i want to start a blog again, like a real one where i can say what i want and don't have to appease a couple hundred followers by plastering fanart and fandom-related nonsense all over their dashboards, i'm scared of leaving my real-life journal to decay in a corner or a dresser drawer while i relate all of my personal dealings on this page. so while i will be posting my thoughts here, i will also try to keep it businesslike so i know what goes in my journal, what goes on my personal blog, and what goes on my tumblr.
i hope this works.
(i hope i don't look at this in a couple minutes and regret it.)
so maybe i'll copy what i've already put on my second tumblr and paste it here for the sake of adding more content and also not erasing my thought processes.
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