i just...i wish i could do something cool, like bro. i wish i could just decide i was going to do something new and get good at it. but i'm terrified of doing new things and i've never been one of the kids who's had to wonder, "what is my niche?" because it's always been assumed--by myself and by everyone else--that i am going to draw. i'm not good for anything else. if you want to find me there's a 90% chance i'll be in the living room at the desktop computer with my tablet, drawing something stupid. the other 10% of the time i'm in the kitchen eating junk food or i'm going to the bathroom because i hardly sleep (at decent hours, at least). but if you want to find bro, he could be in any number of places! he does parkour--he might be at the park or off on a jungle adventure, taming the wilderness while doing cool flips. OR he's on his new skateboard, learning how to do tricks. wait, where is emma again? oh yeah, she's on her fat ass in the living room. as if we forgot. and it's not like bro ONLY does outdoor stuff--he like, draws. really well. and also makes neat animations and i've always wanted to try animating, but guess what! i'm too scared!

when i've asked mom to teach me to play piano, her expression has often become wary--when i was younger and she tried to teach me, i would get impatient and whine about how difficult it was. on a recent excursion to the DI i begged her to show me some things on an old piano, and i struggled to grasp what she was saying about the math aspects of music. but i want to play something. music is such an emotional thing and i want to make emotional things. but i just. don't. get it. it's kind of like how i can't keep track of the keys on my laptop, so i have to tilt the screen down in the dark to see my finger placement when i'm typing passwords. you might think i'm trying to hide what's on the monitor, but i'm actually using it as a flashlight.

sometimes when people see me draw they ask, "have you considered pursuing a career in art?" and i can't help but laugh and also get a little angry, because not only is that the only thing i've EVER thought about doing for the rest of my life, it's probably the only thing i CAN imagine doing. i want to have options but i'm not well-rounded at all. and i'm not even that good at art! like, i can use one or two mediums on a mediocre level, but if you asked me to paint or to make a sculpture or to animate, you can pretty much forget it. forget it like you forgot everything you learned in eighth grade US history besides eli whitney invented the cotton gin. you're not even sure what a cotton gin is.

i'm not even proficient at video games. man, i wish i was because that might actually help redeem myself as a person. like, okay, i can't play any instruments and i'm basically an elephant, but at least i can get a killing frenzy on halo. but the reality is i couldn't do that even if i put in hours of practice, and in all honesty that would be a huge waste of time.

as if i wasn't wasting my time already.