tumblr paste no. 2

[being myself is impossible anymore. tumblr culture has melted itself so thoroughly into my brain i can’t distinguish my own preferences from the section of my psyche that mutters to me incessantly how stupid it would be for me to like something like that, or to speak like that, or to make something like that.
people say they’re not putting things on pedestals and that they’re not trying to…i can’t remember the word. it means to make something look good, or desirable, or something you should be, even though it’s probably not.

but sometimes i look at roleplay blogs for my favorite characters and the muns (whatever that means) make their characters so
skinny
and pale
and sad.

and i want to be like that.

i’ve long since (haha, no, recently) realized that you can’t consciously decide to be anorexic. it’s something that just happens, like you start counting calories, and you lower the maximum you’re allowed to consume daily and then weekly until you are dead, and your hair falls out, apparently. so i can’t say “oh, i wish i was anorexic” because it’s not possible to just choose to become it; it’s a disorder or something.

but i still
really wish i was.
all health risks aside.

i don’t really want my hair to fall out. i don’t want to lose teeth, if that’s something that can happen too. i just want to be able to see my real tummy again, not the repugnant layers of fat on my lower stomach. i’m disgusting and i just can’t
stop
eating

and it’s awful and people say “you have got to eat healthier and actually exercise” but i just can’t.

so i stay ugly and fat and useless.]